Monday, September 5, 2011

i don't know what i want to be...

But I know what I don't want to be. Or what I can't be, rather. I can't be a loyal housewife donning an apron daily to do her husband's bidding—cooking, cleaning, waiting patiently until he comes home. Of course we no longer live in the 50s (yet some women still subscribe to this expectation, some because it genuinely pleases them, but others...maybe because they have been taught dependence, or are debilitatingly insecure, or need to be needed). Yet that is my greatest fear: entrapment. Well, one of my greatest fears.
I also cannot imagine sitting in an office from nine to five engaging in meaningless work without wanting to overdose. I might sound spoiled, high-maintenance, whatever, but I just can't envision that as my long-term future.
What do I want, then? To feel settled, yet "settling" is what I think I will strain against until I become exhausted.
I'm afraid of being tied down, I'm afraid of mind-numbing work, and I'm afraid of the future...I hope I can find something outside of the "norm" (but what is the "norm" now, the post-postmodern "norm"? I'm not sure it exists) that proves fulfilling. A partner who sees me as an absolute equal and is willing to travel and explore and deal with all my ups and downs until I find a place to sit down and rest a while. Or work that I can pursue as a passion, even if it means I'm poor.
Too much to think about, and too much caffeine in my system.

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