Sunday, September 18, 2011

a few thoughts

1) Blogging, at least for me, always becomes too "personal," and I can't seem to avoid that. Probably because that's the function of writing, in my opinion...self-expression...whatever needs to surface at the moment...but it's uncomfortable to think about all of that becoming public. On the other hand, restraint is uncomfortable, too. So maybe I should just delete this blog and stick to my journal.
2) Home is never the comfortable haven of downtime I imagine it to be when I'm planning to go for a visit. It's usually ten times more overwhelming than being anywhere else.
3) I had a third thought, but now I'm too tired to remember what it was.
Probably nothing important.
Man...the later you stay awake, the harder it is to make yourself go to bed.
Oh, the final thought: vague, disheartening, typical. For some reason I'm realizing more frequently and affectingly than ever before the terrible fact that I am—we all are—absolutely and terrifyingly alone. At least as far as what goes on internally, and when our souls come face-to-face with that final day. I know believers would bring up God at this point, and I hope that's a reality, but be alone, even in love, even around friends and family, you and I are both irrevocably and forever alone on this earth. Fuck someone, you're still alone. Clumsily grasping at air during what you hope is a meaningful and unifying, authentic conversation. Never fully authentic. Forever alone.
I can't ever show you what's going on in my brain. I can't carry your heart with me in my heart, e.e. cummings. I have only enough room for one, beating, forever beating only a single rhythm. "I am. I am. I am."
What the fuck, Sarah. Tangent?
Really, though. These thoughts are really scary if you think about them enough. Which you shouldn't.
But...that is where something like writing comes in...attempts to express, to connect. Art. Creativity. Breaking down boundaries. We try to get closer to "it"—truth, meaning, God, whatever. We try and we have to keep trying.

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