Tuesday, August 30, 2011

i'm spread entirely too thin

I don't know how some people seem put their best foot forward in every aspect of their life—social, academic, personal. I know I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I'm simply not doing the best that I can. I'm just tired. Already.
I think a big part of it is anxiety. I need to learn how to address where it comes from and cope with it more healthily and directly. And stop whining, for Christ's sake.
But, life really feels like a whirlwind, and sometimes I lose faith in myself.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Too much to process; not enough words.
Are empaths real? Am I crazy for wondering if I have some of those traits? Yep. Now that I've written it out, it seems crazy. Often I am not readily warm because 1) I have a hard time trusting others and 2) I shut down as a coping mechanism. I feel too much. Maybe I'm just looking for an answer or a label. I am absolutely not one of those "new age"-minded people. I'm a skeptic. I just wish I understood why I feel so inundated with emotions I can't understand. Why things stick with me for days, weeks. Why I get such a powerful sense of people I barely know. Or what I am struggling against and trying to suppress.
Don't let this post give you the wrong idea—I'm happy with life lately. Lots of positive energy. I am just trying to make sense of so much.
I feel like I could type "agiajegoianrgad" and it would make about as much sense.
I wish I had someone to talk to, about everything. Maybe that's what therapists are for. I could pay a stranger to listen to me vent and prescribe a solution.
Or not.

there is so much that interests me...

I know I have time—a lifetime, and hopefully a long one, if I'm lucky—to study any subject I like, but I just wish I could take courses in Psychology and Women's Studies and Spanish on top of Literature and Mass Communication, and Creative Writing, maybe some Sociology, maybe some Philosophy (well, scratch that last one. Existentialism was enough for me). Psychology is especially something I think I could be good at and want to learn more about. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my major for anything. I just love learning more now than ever and am slightly repelled by the idea of focusing on a single field in the near future, i.e. journalism (maybe that's a red flag?).
Or maybe I'm just anxious because I feel like I'm forever rapidly running out of time. Is that silly?
I wish I had studied Literature abroad. I wish I had considered getting my teacher licensure, just in case. Wishing does no good. It's all about now. I am so perpetually entangled in everything but now.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

"young people think they know everything..."

I used to deny that. But really, I'm guilty of convincing myself that I am oh-so self-aware and perceptive. Increasingly I'm having to confront the glaring fact that I know very little about myself, and others, for that matter. Which is harder to acknowledge than I would have thought.
Live and learn.