Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I don't necessarily think we need a religion...

...but it does seem, to me, that some sort of "spiritual identity" is necessary in order to lead a somewhat contended life. That, or an incredibly strong sense of self. Neither of which I possess, at the moment.
Which is as freeing as it is suffocating.
In the meantime, I am busier than I would like, but I can never decide which is worse: not having enough free time and therefore not having time to dwell introspectively, thus feeling out-of-touch with my inner state and observations, or having enough free time to dwell and then drive myself absolutely insane.
Busier seems better.
Except I never feel creative when I'm overworked. Or, rarely, at least. Also, everything I do write is starting to sound the same. The same images surface over and over again. Christ. Women. Mothers. Bleeding. Water. Reconciliation. Youth. The South. I can't make sense of it; I just let it pour out of me like wine forming rivulets of the same fragments and phrases. I wish I could literally cut open my skin and allow all the coiled up nervousness and desiccated inspiration to release itself forever into the cosmos, perfectly manifested and perfectly out of reach. I would be able to breathe easier. There is so much desire to purge in me and so much I feel like I can't release.
I'm no longer making sense. I need to sleep. Or study for the GRE, for once. (I'm so worked up about the future, I could puke!)

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